Whenever there is a space of transition, a place of not knowing if you are moving or not doing, if you are not sure what is really going to happen in the future and a decision has been made so you are kind of living half in and half out of the life you are in, it freaking makes everything else stop. It seems to put everything else on hold.
I guess this is fine and I have lived this way a lot in my traveling nomadic days but it isn’t something I particularly like these days when wanting to spend my energy on creative projects because the move or not move question is occupying my mind. Also I am not someone who likes to renovate houses, I don’t have an aptitude for it, I don’t have experience, and frankly I don’t have the interest. I just want a place that is comfortable to live in and call it a day. I am very much someone who will just adapt to the place I am living until I feel like I’ve outgrown it and then just move on.
Up and moving on is a bit trickier now that we own our own house and I’m not thinking only of myself. Now, the question arises of if we do move then the house needs to have x number of requirements, the location needs to meet these standards, and the schools nearby must meet our standards as well. There are so many pieces to it. Whereas before I could literally just go where I wanted and check it out, stay a while and then move on, I didn’t have to find a place where roots could be made, I could essentially go with the flow of the wind, try out a place and stay a while if it felt right. Now it’s more complex than that.
The next question then comes that if we do not move, and we do stay where we are, then the house we are living in needs to accomodate my husband and I both working from home in this post covid world where working from home is our norm. This means that we must have an office space for him, and I also need an office space for me.
I must have a quiet space that is all my own where when I put something down that it’s in the same place I put it when I reach for it again. I need to able to put up my reminder notes and my images as anchors so I can slip back into a creative space easily. I need to have a space that has my creative energy vibration that I can then return to and flow with. Same for my husband.
Now that my husband is working from home, which I do actually very much like because I see him way more than before, and I married him for a reason and I want to spend time with him. It also means that my precious “alone” time during naps is now encroached energetically because my husband is also at home. Now nap times can be consumed with some times moments of passion, or planning, or chatting because there’s only so much time that he and I actually get to spend with one another because we have two small children. I want to have my creative time, and I want to have my creative energy, and it’s up to me to create space for this.
When my energy is focused on problem solving the issues with a contractor we’ve paid but hasn’t finished the work, or if my energy is focused on researching where the best schools are along the coast in towns where we could buy a house to live and then looking at those houses, my energy gets slurped right up. If my energy is then focused on figuring out what we can do to our house to increase it’s value and meet our needs and then figuring out what that is, getting quotes and then hiring and dealing with the renovations, that also takes up the lion share of my creative energy.
The thing is that there is only so much energy. I know this. Same thing with time, there are 24 hours in a day. Yes, I can bend it a bit, but this still remains that I have x amount of energy and x amount of time and it’s up to me to use it as wisely as I can. My zone of genius is very much not in renovating, and honestly it’s not so much trying to sort through houses that are never listed correctly on real estate websites to figure out what the house actually has, and if it will suit us all within our budget.
I guess the other part is that I could somehow try to make peace with this process and realise how lucky I am to even have the choices I do because I have a family, because I have a husband who works from home now, because I have a house that we own, and because I have the luxury of choosing to not want to deal with any of this. I could flip this and be grateful that I get to be in this position, and honestly even writing that I exhaled deeply and feel a little better.
I also am fully aware that I need to create the space for me to create. I know that me creating, me writing, me expressing what I think and feel and the insights I garner and the reflections I have based on lived experiences, does help me feel fuller and more fulfilled in my own life.
It feels like a river starts flowing through me and I just need to capture it as best I can in the moment and write it down, like a soul river. It feels meditative. It feels almost like a love making session, perhaps it is a love making session with the divine, and it is incredibly intoxicating and feels so good. Perhaps that’s what I really need more of in my life, I just need more intoxicating, feel good stretches of time creating because it fills my life with a sense of added quality.
I know that when I’ve been creating I feel sexier, I feel more connected, I feel more alive and attuned. I know that this fills my cup, so I have to find and create the time for me to put myself and my creativity first and not behind all of the additional mundane aspects of life that I feel I already do. I already do most of the mundane house stuff, and I really want to realise my dream of being a published writer, and I really want to realise my dream of sharing my stories far and wide.
I really want to actually finish my projects and bring them fully to fruition because my soul needs it. I’m compassionate with myself that I am in this stage of life where I have two small children, and I’m there with it. It’s just adding the additional creation sucking force of trying to decide to move or not and if so all the components that come with it, and if not, then all the components that also come with that… I would like to outsource this headache part because it’s not my groove, and I’d much rather use my energy elsewhere. So I will bless that I get to have this “problem” and allow my husband to take charge of this so I can create, or rather right now go and pick up our son from school.