I’ve been in this major process of change. Internally and externally. I have been specifically looking at the mental patterns, the meta programming, that I have and has helped me over the years that no longer serves me. So much of what we humans do is on autopilot. We set a belief, we set a habit and play it out again and again.
One pattern that has recently changed for me is the memory I have when I think of my childhood. I do have some very sunny country memories of being at my grandmother’s house and in the garden with her. I also have blocked a tremendous amount likely out of protection, as the other memories I have were not what I wanted, and before I had often referred to them as traumatic. I then overlaid a new memory involving sensory engagement to “childhood” for me which involves the smell of freshly made waffles, something that is a regular smell in my house every morning that I make for my kids. The smell of these banana and vanilla waffles brings up a feeling of love, stability, comfort, protection, and innocence. I deliberately brought up the smell and feelings associated with the smell of the waffles and then next to that brought the feelings of my childhood, and allowed the waffle side to take over and replace the feelings from before of my own childhood. Now, when I make waffles in the morning, I get to experience all the good feelings of being able to provide this loving and nourishing breakfast for my current life with my own family, AND I get to then continue seeding the new memory subconsciously of my childhood as being one of stability, ease, love, and all the good feelings. It feels incredible. So now, when I think of my childhood, my mind brings up the smell of waffles, and my heart brings up the warm good feelings. It’s been so transformative, and I wholly accept redesigning my memory of childhood as one the feels good and supports me.
This morning I woke from a very vivid dream of me pulling up a subconscious pattern by the root, in the same way I’d pull an over ripened carrot from the garden to make way for something else. This pattern is one that I have held tightly in respect and reverence for many many years. The pattern is that of the Phoenix, it’s the cycle of growth that involves burning to a crisp then using the ashes to rise above again in a new and better way. I view that pattern with trauma and since I’m releasing ALL things trauma from my subconscious so I can have a more supportive life for myself, I have to let it go. In my dream I was pulling it up by the deep roots and saying that I no longer needed it because I can have an easier life than that, that transformation does not need to be so dramatic. I thought of the hungry caterpillar version of transformation which feels sweet, innocent, and easy. The hungry caterpillar is all about exploring foods that nourish it, then building a house to grow into something spectacular. The Hungry Caterpillar version of transformation is all about ease and trust, and I’d much rather have that then the “I must burn every last bit of me to rise again” way of the Phoenix. I can allow my life to be easy. I can allow love to flow easily. I can allow support in my life from myself, from others, from the divine universe. I can allow ease and trust to be a guiding pattern in my life by being who I am, doing what feels good and feels nourishing to me, and flowing in this way.
These insights are coming fast and quick and I am so open to recreating a pattern in my subconscious that supports me. I know from doing Vipassana meditation for hours on end for 10 days in a row several times, that all of my behaviour is a pattern that I have and it’s just how I relate to that pattern. I now choose to redesign my own mind and programming to help me be the truest version of myself.
Separately but related, I’m also having our house repainted and repaired in this time frame, which is like an external projection of what is happening internally with me. Things are being fixed, colour is being added, and life is becoming easier by allowing help.
I’ve also been wondering about what it would feel like if I dropped the pride of resilience, one that I’ve carried in my life for so long as well, which has created the habit of having experiences that take resilience. I’d really prefer to have life just be easy and fun, where that is the theme, all full of love and flow. I love the idea and the possible pattern that my life is easy, fun, and full of love. Gosh that feels incredible.
It’s wild that this process of recreation can be so smooth, it just takes awareness, intention, and listening to the communication that comes in.