I need something to look forward to. It’s such a weird thing ageing, living so much life and then needing and wanting to do more. I am in my mid 40s and I know I have so much more life left and I’m in a space now where I get to start again, I feel like I’m always in that space of starting again. I need something that pulls me forward, that allows me to dream about it, to look forward to it, to want to show up for it. I say “it” purposefully because it’s not a person, it’s a thing, some thing, some project, or new skill to learn. I need something that excites me to keep moving ahead. Otherwise I spend all this extra energy I have turning it on myself, which does no one any good. I’m not talking about things I have to do, but something I want to do, something that excites me and helps me expand into a deeper version of myself. This is what I need in my life.
I know I could exercise or learn piano. I know I can do these things but in my mind they are tasks, and not something that I am excited about. I want to have something that lights me up and feels like “oh, I get to do THIS?!” Something that makes me feel alive where I daydream about it when I’m not doing it. To be perfectly clear I do not want an extramarital affair, but I kinda want that feeling in a way, to reaquaint myself with the passionate me that isn’t in relation to my husband or another person really. It’s like I want to have an affair with me, the exciting part of me that I know is there, that I miss.
Perhaps this is part of me rediscovering myself since becoming a mom a decade ago, or maybe this is a thing that happens to women in their mid 40s who are going through perimenopause, or maybe this is just what the theme of life is in the mid 2020s. I’m not sure but I’m openly inviting myself to have something that truly pulls me forward and makes me feel fully alive and excited to be working on. Something that I truly enjoy that helps me expand myself and helps me to broaden my way of being as a human in this world.