Generally I’m not too moody and am generally a pretty optimistic glass is full and ready to quench my thirst kinda person. However, this year has been interesting. Not only did I get covid that hung around for months leaving me so incredibly tired, I also started having some serious moodiness and feeling pretty down about a lot of things that normally I would reframe into something good. I sought therapy with a clinical psychologist and by midyear I had already had a total of 15 one-hour sessions of therapy because I go in strong when I want to make changes.
I went to my doctor intermittently through my therapy sessions and she ran a bunch of blood tests and everything consistently comes back normal, which to be frank, the only time I really want to be considered normal or average is when it comes to health. The next time she ran some, one marker was showing that I have officially started perimenopause. PERIMENOPAUSE! I’m 44! My youngest child is only 5! My mom didn’t go through menopause until she was 55! How on earth is this the stage I’m at?
Well, that was just before winter hit, and now that spring is here I realised that I have unexpectedly gained 4 extra kilograms over three months, and although I’m more optimistic at times, overall I’m way more “realistic” about things. I’m happy for the insight, not so much about the extra weight. I’ve kept my weight in check over the years, and usually listen to my body when it tells me to pull back. Except this winter, I also for some crazy reason developed a swollen bursa, a little cushion that is in the shoulder that when enflamed doesn’t allow for wrap around hugs with my kids, or me reaching the top of the closet, or putting on my bra snapping it on the back as I normally would. I’ve started going to physiotherapy for this as well and have a Pilates weekly session to get it all back in order.
So overall, I feel like I’m a mess. I even rolled my eyes and sighed with that. It all just seems like a lot. I’m the one who gets to live in this body though, and it’s up to me to take care of it and make sure it’s going to last me the rest of my life, which hopefully takes me well into and hopefully past 2100. Crazy to try and think about that since it’s 2024, but surely it’ll be here before we know it. Who knows what life will be like then, but I want to have a healthy strong body and sound mind along the way.
Years ago I abandoned social media, four years ago actually, and I am not planning on going back. I resist sharing this kind of stuff publicly for many reasons but a lot tied to my crazy high expectations of myself that I always need to do things the “right” way and have one topic that I talk about if I’m going to put my voice out there, but I’m breaking my own rules. I’m 44 now and in Perimenopause so if there was ever a time to stop caring so much about what others think of me, it’s certainly now. Also to be clear I feel like I have definitely been through stages where I felt like I gave zero Fs but usually it was when I was moreso on the defensive and I really want to change that.
So a bit of a ramble but this is where I am and I’m going to keep sharing because it’s what I feel I must do now. Gravity is taking it’s toll, estrogen signaling that a new chapter is beginning so I must let this old one go, and I’ll take the changes of white hairs mixed in with my natural blonde as a sign that I’m being kissed by angels because I’m still here and carrying on.