This is in my head, and I know it, yet, every time I get sick, I feel this almost sense of shame and embarrassment for being sick. Like that I’m not functioning as my best self because I have caught a virus, or that I’ve somehow hurt my shoulder, that my baby came way too early. I do so much in my life to ensure that I am healthy that when these things inevitably happen it’s a blow to me. I eat really well with lots of whole foods, I rarely drink, I stay hydrated, I move my body, I get a good amount of regular sleep, I have a happy and connected little family, a happy marriage, I have friends I meet with, and I contribute to the community I live in. I’m doing all the things that I’m “supposed to” in order to live a happy and healthly life. Yet, stuff still happens.
It’s 2024 and at the start of the year I caught covid that hung around for months, where I had lost my voice, and had lingering fatigue and brain fog. It was truly terrible. Since then, every month either myself or my family have caught some kind of cold or virus. Now it’s November and I have pneumonia! I thought pneumonia was for oldies, that true killer in hospitals. I also didn’t realise it hurts, like literally pneumonia in my lower lung, lower lobe sends pain to my chest and my back. How on earth did I, a healthy 44 year old get this? It’s so nuts. Of course this happens at a time when I have other things to do, other experiences to be a part of. My eldest son just won a Lego League competition with his team and they are going to Nationals in another state, but since we live on an island we have to fly there in 8 days, not enough time for me to be over all of this and fit to fly. It only hit me yesterday the reality of this. Then I realised that my husband, who also is taking antibiotics for a not-pneumonia but chest infection, may not be fit to fly either! I’m at a loss about this and incredibly sad. I know I can’t stress about it because the stress causes inflammation and I don’t need any more of that, but ughhhh.
The thing is that being sick is interrupting my life and preventing me from being there for my children. I feel so much embarrassment about being sick as well, like because I’m not healthy mentally or physically that somehow I have brought this on myself. For a long time I was into Law of Attraction, that thoughts become things, and have had a lot of success with this. The issue is when it becomes something negative, like getting sick. Internally, even though I know this isn’t healthy, I must blame myself for getting sick. It’s unreasonable but even as I type this, I’m replaying washing my hands, maybe I shouldn’t have given my youngest a kiss on the cheek and gotten his germs when I picked him up from school before he’s had a chance to shower off the germs. It’s so ridiculous the line of thinking I go through. I still have to live my life and germs are a part of it.
I realise that the way forward is just to accept and surrender to what is, not stress, continue doing the healthy habits I have in my life so that I can get better. I know that I need to have the kindness to myself that I would to my BFF and reassure myself that I’m going to be fine, this is just a moment in time and rest is needed. It’s going to be a constant reminder to myself and I’ve never been one to shy away from self growth and development, so maybe, just maybe this experience is here for me to learn and grow from. I know there are always lessons – opportunities for growth that allow me to continue to evolve into myself. There are always silver linings, and I need to remember this.