You’re a good person. You do the right thing. You support causes you care about. You give back consistently.
Somehow you still feel like something is missing.
You’re doing all the things that you’re supposed to do, but you worry at night that tomorrow is going to be another day just like today.
Every morning you put on your happy face but it’s wearing on you. You question if you are actually happy because happiness wouldn’t leave you feeling like you need an escape hatch.
You know you want change and you can’t believe that somehow you’ve let what other people think of you hold you in this cage. You’re doing all the things, checking all the boxes, but it’s just not enough. You want a clear way to have a better, happier, more fulfilled life.
You aren’t alone
I know this feeling, I know this life, it has been me more than once.
I help entrepreneurial minded women who are lead by their heart but still like to check in with their heads. They know their current way of living life is not fulfilling as it used to be, they still love having their own business, but something is missing and they don’t know exactly what it is. I help them discover what deeply matters at a soul level, and guide them to through the next steps to reawaken their purpose here.
Hi There, I’m Jennifer
I grew up in rural California with a cotton field on one side of my grandmother’s acreage and a mini orchard on the other. We’d go for country walks which would be at least a mile and pick up a crate of fresh peaches for next to nothing. When I was older I moved to Yosemite National Park and worked as a hospitality manager for many years in historic old hotels set amongst the tall granite walls and giant sequoias. When I moved to the Grand Canyon in Arizona for work as an Accounting Manager, life changed in very distinct ways. I had a health scare which required surgery for some precancerous cells and it felt like a slap in the face from reality. I then started to question bigger questions like what life was really about, questioning how I was living and what the greater meaning of it was, and what I would regret if I didn’t live my life fully now.
I got swept up in a romance with a very sexy Brazilian, and quit working for the corporation I had for the previous nine years, gave away everything I owned and moved to Brazil.
In Brazil, I was more lost than I had ever been. I had grown up and lived primarily in small communities my entire life. I also grew up without very many resources, often on public assistance. All of a sudden I found myself in one of the most populated cities in the world with a husband who came from money. I couldn’t just take his family’s platinum card and go shopping, that wasn’t fulfilling to me. I enjoyed the other perks like the beach house on the weekends with a maid, and getting to see into the world where people had money. My relationship wasn’t sustaining though, I didn’t know who I was without a title, without a role, without a company career of 9 years showing what value I add. He was different too, everything happened so quickly in Sao Paulo and it was very different from our romance that started under the vast starry skies and and canyon trails. From the outside it looked great, we were a cute couple, we got married, I’d go to the private members only club and enjoy all of the benefits, I’d experience live jazz each week after acupuncture, and we’d be swimming in the clear warm waters on the weekend. Inside, though, I was miserable. I knew I needed a different life but I didn’t have the courage to just get up and go because I felt like I had officially failed at life. I started to turn my attention inward and taught myself how to meditate, did a number of fasts, and deep dived into my inner self writing about my journey. This was a jumping off point.
Towards the end of Brazil, I became really anxious that if I didn’t leave soon, something bad would happen to me, even though there hadn’t been any physical violence, I got this uneasy feeling. My dearest grandmother was sick and I had to return to the US, and when I left on the plane, I knew I’d never be going back.
Culture Shock in the USA
When I returned to the US I experienced the biggest culture shock of my life. At first I loved seeing old friends and family, but now I could see the classism and the inequality so clearly of my own country. I sat some back to back 10 day silent meditation courses, meditating in silence about 16 hours each day. It was so intense, and I dove right in, I knew I needed change, a reset button, and silent meditation brought the peace I was needing. After I ventured on some road trips with new and old friends. Traveling through the US South my heart broke as I stood on the balcony where Martin Luther King Jr. was shot, and I felt the fear and pain rise up in me at Kelly Ingram Park in Birmingham, Alabama as I stood next to the installation of metal dogs that had been unleashed onto the non-violent student and children protestors who just wanted to be able to play at the park. I sailed out with a pirate off of Key West and saw life being lived on the edge where they made their own rules and came and went as they pleased. I spent a glorious late spring season in the lush Appalachians in North Carolina with rhodendrums, sweet tea, and fireflies. I would talk to everyone I came in contact with along the way and would learn about them and their lives, I was genuinely interested, I wanted to know, to understand what they had gone through, what they were passionate about. It was a self appointed education of my own home country, and it was like my great awakening. I made my way to Burning Man and went to workshop after workshop noticing that I returned to the Shaman camp often as it was a healing space. By the end of that week everyone looked like angels as we were all dusted with sand from the desert. Next I headed to the land of Dr Suess looking cactus and chanted hour after hour in Joshua Tree for a Bhakti Fest, noticing how high I could get without any drugs or alcohol. Again from the outside my life looked so exotic full of travel and heart and soul opening experiences, and it was, but there was still something longing inside of me for more.
I hopped on a plane to Australia, and went back in for another round of 10 days of silent meditation, I felt rejuvenated, and ready to start my life again. I was had created a stable life living in a bus on an organic banana farm working at a nearby macadamia farm, and one day on my way to work, I was in a head on collision.
The divine intervention
Thankfully I was only in the hospital for over a week, they stitched me up and I still had ongoing therapy and facial surgeries for the next year and a half. I had a broken face with a huge red scar, a paralysed forehead, and my body was in the worst shape it had ever been. I had nothing but time to heal myself, so as I was going between doctor appointments and various complementary therapy sessions, I would work on my internal self. I had to deal with my emotions, I had to figure out who I was, what was important to me, and how I was going to move forward in life. I continued to meditate, I learned how to lucid dream, I started listening to the communication from the universe that was sent with animals and other messengers of spirit. I would daily do self love mirror work where I learned to look myself deep into my soul and accept the words when I’d say “I love and accept you, just the way you are”. I developed deep compassion for myself and understood what physical trauma was and how it felt to have my body not work how I thought it should. I got to experience kids stopping on the street with a worried look on their face asking their mums very loudly what was wrong with my face, and to answer with kindness. I developed a strong feeling of luck and appreciation that I was alive and that I was able to keep on living.
Doctors appointment social outings
Eventually I moved into town where my doctors were located into a vegetarian meditation house. Although I did have housemates, I was deeply missing the feeling of connection with the community. So I’d open up the local paper and see what was going on that I could take myself to. I went to everything that piqued my interest. It was a progressive area of New South Wales and I went to heartfelt meditations, laughter yoga, kirtan, family constellations, dream workshops, and eventually I took myself out by myself to a local live theatre performance, where I met my now husband.
Life gets better
I’d like to say that from the moment my husband and I got married that life was peachy and all was smooth. It didn’t go that way but being in love with someone who met the internal characteristics that I was looking for in a life partner made everything better. I went back to University and finished my Bachelor’s Degree in Business and Marketing. Soon after we got married barefoot on my birthday in a quaint rural refurbished church with amazing stained glass windows with 22 people around us. We also conceived our first son that same day, a true love child.
The pregnancy however, went pear shaped and he came a couple of months early and in Sydney rather than up north where we had met. I had planned a water birth with a midwife and instead I was put under general anastesia and he was removed within 2 and a half minutes and taken to the NICU for the next five weeks. At first he was in the humidicrib with wires and tubes attached to him and it was utterly disorienting. I was still taking heavy pain killers and blood thinners for the blood clot I had developed during pregnancy and my mind was completely confused. Trauma wasn’t new to me, and yet I had never felt as dark or as lost during this time after his birth than I had ever felt in my life.
When we were finally able to take our son home with us five weeks later, I was consumed with feelings of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder where I’d relive the event again and again, I’d fear instant death of myself, my baby, my husband constantly, I was anxious all the time, and I couldn’t get a grip. I was so worried about talking to someone about it because I wasn’t yet a Permanent Resident and I didn’t want it to be held against me to be able to stay in the Australia.
Find a Community
I went to a local parenting class since I hadn’t done pre-natal classes as I had them planned for the third trimester. As we ended the last class, I asked if the other women would be interested in continuing as a group after, and to my surprise every one of them said yes. We then started to meet every week, at least once, sometimes twice or three times a week together. We were all very different women but we had a common bond of all being first time mothers all with children who were within a 4 month age range, so we were going through everything at the same stage, at the same time.
This Mother’s Group and being a part of a community saved my life. I would show up in tears or with spit up all over me, we all would, we’d just show up as we were with our babies, sitting and talking to each other knowing that the others knew exactly what we were going through.
Eventually I sought professional therapy when we were considering having another child. The therapist assured me that it would be completely confidential and I let it all out as I sobbed in my chair. She asked me what I was doing to express myself, and I started to paint again, started to write again, started to feel more like myself again. When I had my second child, I was very worried about the pregnancy, that I took some Calm Birth, hypnotherapy style classes with my husband. I was reunited with the power of the breath, the power of meditation, and instantly I felt back in the flow of my life. The pregnancy was a dream, the labour as smooth as it could possibly have been, and I did it all naturally, and baby came home with me the day I left the hospital.
A life of gratitude
We now have a house in the Blue Mountains with trailheads close to our doorstep. I’m a citizen now of Australia and I get to live here as long as I want with my family, and I have been writing a book about the wild life I’ve had the pleasure of living.
I live a life that I am truly grateful for with all it’s ups, downs and in between moments. I’m always looking to find other ways to learn and grow and to share that with others for their growth too. I have a steady and solid gratitude practice, I am clear on my core values. I know what drives me and I create action that supports what I believe in. I feel thankful as I go to sleep with sweet dreams, and wake up feeling appreciative that I get another day of living. It all feels pretty incredible.
A way back to love
Today, I help other heart driven women find their way back to love, and have clarity around who they are and what is most important to them. It’s my mission to help other women learn that there is always a way back to love, there is always a way to get back up again and start over, better than ever.
Every time I hold the space with a new client I feel the excited for their possibility of change and the magic that will happen as we come together to uncover what they really want for their life. I love the ah-ha moments, the small actions that lead to the massive changes, and the heartfelt connection that we make.
Get in contact
I would love to hear from you. To learn more about how I can help you find more happiness, more fulfilment in your own life. Send me an email at: Jennifer@JenniferMarilyn.com